It's Not Easy  FIRST FIC
by Outlaw Adam Knight
Summary: Clark spends time in his loft writing out his thoughts and trying to clear his head. An examination of Clark's motivations in first person POV.


IT'S NOT EASY - First SV FanFic  
Pairings - Not sure yet, Clark and Chloe most likely  
Spoilers - It would help if you've ever Watched Smallville  
Disclaimer - As much as I'd like to, I own nothing and will in no way make profit from this piece of fiction from the depths of my imagination.

NOTE - This is the first peice of litereary fiction I have attempted to write in close to 3 years now. I do have plans for my own original work down the pipe, but the urge to get "something down on paper" was too strong to ignore anymore. So instead of blathering to a place with no end in my own work, I'm going to try and "Warm up" with this SV Ficlet, before I look for a "spotter" and hit the big weights of my larger project.

Enjoy.

I can't stand to Fly  
I'm not that naive  
Men weren't meant to ride  
With clouds between their knees.

Im only a man in a silly red sheet  
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street  
Only a man in a funny red sheet  
Looking for special things inside of me

It's not Easy to be Me.  
- Five For Fighting

All I've ever wanted is to be normal.

I realize how crazy that sounds, but there it is. I would give it all up. All the strength, speed and invulnerability just for the chance to be like everybody else. 

Normal. Regular. Human.

Sure, I can do some really cool things. And with my abilities I've been able to help people that needed me. Saved lives. Families. Friends.

But every time I leave in a gust of wind and rush off to save the day, every time I'm forced to come up with another lame excuse for my dissappearance, I leave another piece of my sanity behind.

"Sanity's" not what I mean. IIf you're reading this don't worry, I'm not going insane. "Super Clark" isn't about to become "Super Insane Clark".

Well ... Not again anyways.

What I mean is that while I'm off helping someone else, I'm making it even harder for me to even pretend to have a normal life.

Face it. How can I keep a job if I have to bail out at literally the first whisper of someone in trouble? I could no more ignore their pleas than I could kick my dog Shelby. However, no boss or company on the planet would keep on an employee who dissappeared constantly for unexplained reasons. "Well you see, I have this irritible bowel thing, and I have to run to the can a lot" is not going to get the job done.

This doesn't mean I think that "normal people" have it easy. Far from it. But I'd gladly trade "Trying to stay in shape" or "Having trouble understanding Math and Physics" with "trying to keep a Kryptonian Dictator from Escaping the Phantom Zone and taking over the whole world".

See what I mean?

Never mind trying to have a regular relationship with anyone. I can't count the number of weird looks and questions I've had to answer in my day. I can't count the number I'm deflected this week! "What was with you at the wedding rehearsal dinner?" "Why did you take off to metropolis for 3 months?" "How did you survive getting shot in the chest?" "Why are you always exactly in the wrong place at the right time?"

Believe me, the "just lucky I guess" answer didn't work for George of the Jungle, so it sure doesn't hold water for Clark Kent.

I don't what I'd ever do without the people in my life who I can be normal with. Or at least, that I can "pretend to be normal" with. While it still makes my hair stand on end thinking about that day "up north" in the Fortress when Chloe told me that she knew about me, I can't imagine what my life would be like without her. If I didn't have her to talk to about all of the crazy things I have to deal with on a regular basis, I probably WOULD crack up and go mental.

Damn I wish I could talk to her right now. She is the only person who truly gets me. But no, she's got to leave the phone open for when "Jimmy calls from Polar Bear club shoot assignment, and I really can't miss his call today Clark". 

Jimmy Olsen. I wish I could hate him. So long as he doesn't hurt her he's cool.

Actually, thinking back on this, he's hurt Chloe less than I ever have. And that one time, he broke up with HER because of ME.

Man ... No wonder I'm jealous of that dork. He's got the greatest girl I know, and he knows it.

Now I'm REALLY depressed.

Truthfully, I don't know how Chloe holds up sometimes. I'll never forget how I felt after Pete moved away to Wichita with his mom just to avoid the risk of exposing my secret to the world. I honestly believe this whyI've never told anyone else about me. I mean, if Pete - my best friend in world - couldn't handle it. How could I expect anyone else to? Okay fine, Chloe totally proved me wrong. But Lana? Forget it! She'd instantly put together the whole "The Meteor Shower that killed her parents brought me to Smallville" and never get over it. I'm still in trouble for having to bail on the first date I tried to take her on in Freshman Year. So forget that truth thing. I'm accused of being the "Fort Knox of Secrets" but at least I can deal with this stuff. And I sure as hell couldn't have told Lex, no matter how close we once were. He's been on the verge of figuring me out for years anyway, but every time I manage to throw him off the trail, he scares me a little bit more. I hope my pushing him away didn't turn him more into the monster he is today, but I truly don't know how else I could have handled things.

Of course, this whole "Lex and Lana Luthor saga" isn't doing anything useful for my nerves. If there was ever a chance I could've opened up to either Lana or Lex, that ship has oficially sailed.

Though according the Chloe, Lana seems to be in that marriage against her will. God, I don't even want to think about this. I wish I could get drunk, apparently that makes you forget about things. And this is Definitely something I don't want to think about.

Mom's off somewhere with Lois agian, doing something all senatorial. Can't blame her for that, I'm a grown man now. Can't keep going to my Mommy whenever I have a problem I can't get worked out in my head.

So I guess that's why I'm writing this down. Kinda stupid I know, putting thoughts about who I am and why to paper. I might as well have a big ole'target on this notebook saying "Learn all of Clark's Secrets Here!" But at the end of the day, I find writing ... Soothing. It's not something that comes easy to me. It's a skill I need to work on. And none of my abilities make this any easier for me.

But who ever said life was easy?

-END-


End file.
